I think of myself as a reject

Dear Helpline,

I have been into relationship after relationship trying to find love… I think of myself as a reject. I have been rejected by my father, so for me I don’t deserve to be alive. I was molested as a kid and from that time the only thing on my mind is to make men feel my pain. I have thought of suicide but a voice in my head has always brought me back to my mom and how she would feel. Help me; should I tell my mom what I have been going through or let it kill me inside?

Dear Anonymous,

You are currently in a very fragile situation and I think that you firstly have to deal with your other unresolved issues before venturing into looking for love. Many individuals who have been through difficult situations seek to be loved as it makes them feel wanted and can appear to heal a wound more quickly. However, you seem to be torn as you mentioned that you have been in numerous relationships with the hopes of finding love; you also stated that it is your intention to make men feel your pain. Given what you are going through, I can understand why you have this outlook.

You need to know that you are not a reject—your previous statement implies that your mom cares, and is concerned. In your case because of the difficulties you have been through, it is easy for you to feel rejected. Sometimes, unfortunately, some individuals encounter harsh situations in life. However, it is important that you try to talk to someone whom you can open up to: a relative, neighbour, a teacher, (if you’re still at school), a colleague at work, a pastor/priest, social-worker—someone who would give a good listening ear. Talking does assists in the healing process and helps you move forward.

I highly recommend that you seek and join a support group. When you join a support group, you will meet people who have gone through similar and other situations that may be worse than yours. You can then talk in depth about your various encounters and develop a strong bond.  Support groups help in closing wounds. Your new-found strength may lead you to become a public voice for those who have gone through a situation of your kind.

Suicide may seem like the only option when we are in very difficult circumstances; trust me when I say it is not, and that difficulties can get better. You need to remember that despite how heavy the weight is, God never gives an individual more than they can bear. You need to trust that God will see you through. Some individuals may come to despise Him as they believe that if He genuinely loves them, then He would not allow them to go through such. It is easy to believe that. However, God, sometimes tests our faith with what may seem like the unsolvable. It does take time so do exercise patience.

 The good thing is when you have overcome these situations, you will feel complete and be at peace; you will then have a wonderful testimony that will inspire others. I am thankful that you have not attempted to commit suicide and that you gave thought to how your mother would feel. Imagine how your loved ones would feel if you did such—you would rob them of the true gem that you are!

Life is precious despite the difficult situations we encounter. There is so much to discover.

You should talk things out with your mother—it is never wise to keep such a heavy weight on your chest. It is unhealthy. However, if you are really concerned about how she would accept the news, you can speak to a guidance counsellor (your school’s guidance counsellor for instance or a trusted teacher), about the best approach.

As mentioned earlier, I think you should place the thought of getting into a relationship on the back burner. Going into numerous relationships can lead to constant disappointment, and can hurt you further. When you do start dating, it must be for the right reasons; not so one can feel your pain.

Channel your energy into something positive; surround yourself with positive people. Please join a support group! It can be at school or at church. You can even join a group where people share the same interests as you. This too, can help you in some way.

My love, it gets better with time. Think of your future—there are so many things you can accomplish, so many beautiful things that lie ahead. You will heal eventually, though slowly, and you CAN get over this. Perhaps, you can even have a relationship with your father in the future. However, support groups teach how to live a full life even if this never occurs.

I bid you a positive outcome and hope the advice helps. You will be grateful that you chose the better path.

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